Strapped
Radbam January 27th, 2010
Art by Devlin Donnelly
Dateline: Somewhere amidst the air traffic patterns of the Northeast.
(AP) A Jewish teenager trying to pray on a New York-to-Kentucky flight caused a scare Thursday when he pulled out a set of small boxes containing holy scrolls, leading the captain to divert the flight to Philadelphia, where the commuter plane was greeted by police, bomb-sniffing dogs and federal agents.
The following is a primer for TSA agents to assist in distinguishing exotic, mildly threatening expressions of Jewish culture and ritual from the more typical dangers found in shoes, underwear and carry-on liquids (note: a Jew would never undertake any act requiring the permanent loss of perfectly good undergarments, the removal of shoes publicly or the sacrifice of pricey haircare products for any purpose other than what they expressly serve…it just isn’t done).
- Magen David: this small, often silver, 6-pointed star is not a tiny ninja-like throwing device surreptitiously worn as jewelry by a renegade squad of disaffected Israeli commandos. It is merely a ubiquitous bit of Jew-bling donned by those whose sense of identity and commitment rarely transcends H20 (Holidays, two only) observance, when the item is conspicuously worn outside clothing. Not to be confused with the chai, the strange, elephant-like Hebrew talisman that crossed over to authentic bling after Sammy Davis,Jr. and Rod Carew were documented wearing it, subsequently investing Jewishness with an unprecedented cool that has yet to be replicated. However, if the size and faux-gold density of the chai reaches a critical mass, it could overwhelm the buoyancy of airline seats-as-life-preservers in the case of a water landing .
Matzah: a tastless, odorless and seemingly purposeless flatbread that, though bearing a striking resemblance to the latest versions of the explosive C-4, is simply a Jewish form of gastric self-flaggelation, often more torturous than the mythic enslavement of the Israelite ancestors that the alleged “foodstuff” signifies. Incidentally, if these surprisingly sharp, suspiciously perforated and oddly singed sheets of flour-based circuit board were to be confiscated in the name of national security, expect little more than mild protest with a wry, slight grin and knowing wink.
Cholent: This is a difficult one to detect, even for the experts. A melange of earth-tone root vegetables and raisins, simmered excessively in a crockpot to increase uniformity of color and texture, prepared and allegedly eaten during the Jewish Sabbath by those who are prohibited from cooking and are too lazy for take out. Though only a biohazard professional can make the final determination, it is not the latest chemical weapon designed to sublimate into poisonous gas upon contact with air. However, upon contact with the human digestive system, a slightly less life-threatening, but quite debilitating gaseous interaction is widely reported.
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